Barely Breathing
by VerityFrancesB
Summary: Gale doesn't understand why Randy doesn't believe him. RPS


_"What's going on with you and Randy?"_

_"Hey Gale, if there is anything you need to talk about you know you can talk to me?"_

_"I don't care what the hell has gotten into you two but you sort it out, you're wasting my time." _

Gale was sick of all the comments, the whispers behind his back, the fact that Randy wouldn't look at him anymore, and the fact that his chest felt tight whenever Randy was around.

Truth of the matter was Randy Harrison had broken Gale's heart.

Gale can't really remember when it happened, doesn't want to really think about it, but he can remember when he realised that this might all end in tears. When it hit him hard, standing on a step over Randy and Randy's hands on his chest, smiling up at him.

Gale was head over heels in love with Randy Harrison.

It had scared him at the same time as it had felt like a fog had lifted, like it was meant to be, like ithis/i was what he had been moving towards his entire life.

It took a will of iron not to grab Randy and tell him right there and then, and it took patience to find the right moment to whisper it into Randy's mouth.

Because they didn't do that. They didn't touch each other like that off screen, or even in private. No matter how much Gale wanted to feel iRandy's/i skin under his hands.

Randy was warm hearted, had a smile a mile wide, could spin stories like the best story teller, had a way of making you feel like you were the only one in the room. He made Gale laugh like he hadn't laughed for years. Made him talk about things he hadn't thought about for years.

He also kissed in a way that made Gale's knees go weak and made him fall even harder in love with him.

The thing about Randy was that he was so sure of who he was, he was gay and no one was ever going to make him feel bad about it. It was almost threatening to Gale who had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that he was in love with his co-star who just happened to be a man. It made it all the more harder to admit it, even to himself. It also made Randy slightly wary when Gale had taken that first step to something other than friendship between them.

_"I should be getting out of here. Leave you in peace. Thanks for dinner." Randy stands, picks up his jacket from the back of the chair and pulls it on. "I'll see you tomorrow?" Gale raises an eyebrow at the question and Randy grins, like there is any doubt that Gale wouldn't be there at work tomorrow but its become a habit with them, from before they knew each other's schedules off by heart, before they knew each other inside out._

_Randy pulls him in for a hug, kisses his cheek. Because that's another thing they do, because Randy is like that, free with his love and his affection and it makes Gale's stomach twist into knots when his lips touch his skin._

_Gale pulls him back, fingers winding into the back of Randy's hair and pulling him forward, covering his mouth with his own. And it feels so right like it was meant to happen and Randy's hand covers Gale's chest and he rocks up into him, standing on tiptoes to meet the kiss with the same force that Gale is giving it._

_He grins when he pulls back, easy smile on his face, yet apprehension swimming in his eyes and Gale's stomach is churning with worry and his head feels like its going to explode. Randy gives him another kiss, presses it to his lips and says "sweet dreams Gale" into his mouth._

_He's gone before Gale can respond._

After the kiss Randy had been exactly the same, smiled the same smile, laughed the same laugh, but he touched more. Pressed his hands to Gale, kept them there a shade longer than necessary.

It was after the first time, the first time that they had gone further than kisses and touching, and Gale had pushed inside Randy, collapsed on top of him afterwards and felt Randy's heart beat through his chest, mirroring his own, and Gale knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he was well and truly done for, that nothing would ever feel as good and as right as that.

And that no one would ever make his heart beat like Randy Harrison.

_Randy is kissing him like he can't get enough, pressing himself close and Gale just kisses him back, closing the door behind them with their combined weight. It has been days and Gale can feel the need in him, thrumming in his veins as Randy pushes against him, hand at the button of Gale's jeans._

_And they've never done this, never got beyond heated kisses and frottage that makes Gale come in his pants like a desperate teenager._

_Randy's hand works the button open, halts for a second and Gale finds himself arching upwards, like he needs Randy's hand on him, needs to feel this and Randy gets it, moves his hand downward, curls his fingers around Gale and strokes once._

_If Gale thinks he was lost when Randy first smiled at him, he doesn't know the meaning of the word until Randy closes his hand around him. Gale manages to open his eyes, look straight at Randy as Randy says "you sure?". Gale can't talk, couldn't even if he wanted, but his voice sticks in his throat as he nods and Randy slips to his knees in front of him, like something out of a dream._

_They don't talk during it. Randy pushes Gale's pants down his thighs, his fingers trailing over his skin, leaving heated trails as his mouth presses small open mouth kisses after them. He lets Randy pull him down on the floor, lets Randy wrap his legs around his waist and pulls their hips together._

_Randy wraps his hand around both of them then, fingers closing almost too tightly, brings them both over the edge together, watches Gale as he comes hard between them._

_Its later that night that Randy straddles Gale's hips, works himself open, bat's away Gale's searching hands, and sinks down onto Gale._

_The words are in his mouth, threatening to fall, threatening to change everything, and Gale thinks that Randy sees, kisses him before he can say them, falls asleep with his hand over Gale's heart. _

Back then things had been easy, Gale had known what he wanted. He wanted the job he had, he wanted the life he had, and he wanted Randy, under the cover of darkness, coming apart under his hands, his secret, his own.

Randy had been fine with that. Laughed off any comments that they spent lots of time together, grinned at Peter's knowing smiles, said "I wish" when anyone ever outright asked. Gale had loved him for that. Because he wasn't ready to admit it to the cast, let alone the world.

They had continued like that, meeting after the cameras were turned off, the crew all gone home, tucked up in their beds and Randy would arrive on his doorstep, grin on his face. The grin that Gale came to hate, because it wasn't the same one he gave Gale during the day, it wasn't the same easy smile, it held a hint of something darker, like he was almost forcing it out.

But Randy would kiss him, pull him to bed, the shower, the couch, sink down onto Gale and breathe into his mouth, like that would stop Gale saying the words that they both knew wanted to be said.

It hadn't taken Gale long to push it, to push his fortune and essentially push Randy out of the door.

_"So where's this going?" Gale asks, staring out of his apartment window, avoiding Randy's confused gaze. It hasn't been long, a few months of stealing kisses between takes, a few weeks of glorious nights spent tangled together under Gale's sheets._

_"Where's what going?" Randy asks and Gale looks at him then, takes a deep breath. Sometimes Gale thinks he can see love when Randy looks at him, he doesn't see it now though, sees nothing but blue when he looks in Randy's eyes._

_"This." Gale says, waving a hand between them. "Us." Randy stares at him, his face unreadable and Gale shifts under his gaze. They don't talk about it, about feelings, about what happens between the sheets with them._

_Randy shrugs, a inelegant gesture._

_"Its just a bit of fun right Gale?" He answers, his voice almost too blank, too toneless. Gale nods, swallowing the words he wants to say,_ no, its not fun, its serious, this is my life Randy, I love you, I want this forever.

_"Yeah, fun." He replies and Randy smiles, hint of sadness under the blue, kisses Gale, presses him down into the floor and swallows him down._

_Its after that Gale eventually says the words outloud._

_"I love you." Randy stiffens, startled look running over his face, a look of relief, of panic, horror, worry, all cross his face before he smiles._

_"No you don't, and that's ok Gale."_

Gale could feel himself breaking every time Randy laughed it off. Every time Randy told Gale he didn't know what he felt, no Gale didn't love him, every time he silenced Gale's words with a kiss, or a hand on his face, Randy's eyes bright with something Gale couldn't read. It hurt, and it made Gale want to try all the more, want to say _I love you_ over and over, brand the words into Randy's skin, so he would realise, understand, that Gale was telling the truth, that he loved him with everything he had, that he didn't know how to breathe without him.

_"Why don't you believe me?" Gale asks. Randy freezes, forkful of food halfway to his mouth. They don't do this, Gale doesn't ever push, just says it and Randy denies it. But Gale is tired. Tired of trying to get him believe it, tired of trying to prove it with kisses and touches._

_"Gale..." Randy starts, sighing and putting down his fork._

_"No, don't tell me what I feel Rand. I love you. And I don't know what to do to make you believe it."_

_"I believe you believe it." Randy says. He stands, runs a hand through his hair. And Gale knows that stance, knows that it meant Randy is getting on the defensive, Randy is getting uncomfortable. "Do you know how hard it is?" Randy asks. Gale frowns, not following the words, not understanding what Randy is getting at. "Coming out. Its fucking hard Gale. And you in the public eye, do you know how hard that's going to be?"_

_"I don't care." Gale says, slamming his fist on the table. Randy jumps slightly and takes a step back when Gale stands. "Fuck Randy. I. Don't. Care. You think I think its going to be all rainbows and butterflies and_ oh isn't it great about Gale Harold? _I don't Randy. But I don't care." He takes a step towards Randy and Randy holds his hands out, stopping Gale in his tracks. Randy has never pushed him away, never stopped his advances and Gale wonders what the means for them that he's doing it now._

_"Gale, I think..." There's a finality in his voice, his tone, that makes the blood run cold in Gale's veins._

_"What?" He asks, dreading the answer._

_"I think we should..." Randy stops, swallows, looks at Gale with such misery that Gale feels a lump in his throat, swallows hard himself and shakes his head, /inoi slipping from his lips. Randy nods once back. "Think we should stop this Gale. Before it gets out of hand."_

_Gale doesn't even need to say "its already out of hand" because Randy is moving, heading towards the door. He isn't usually one for flights of fancy but he can almost feel his heart breaking with each step Randy takes closer to the door. He had read once that the brain can't distinguish between physical pain and emotional pain, and maybe that was right. Because this hurt, in his chest, made it tight and he wants it to stop._

_Lifting his hand to Randy's arm he wraps it around and pulls. Randy stops, turns, his face unreadable._

_"Gale, let me go." Gale can't read his voice either and it worries him._

_"Rand..."_

_"God, Gale, let me go." He wrenches himself free and crosses his arms, putting the distance between them that makes Gale's chest hurt even more._

_"Don't do this Randy, I can't..." _breathe without you_. He leaves those words unsaid, but Randy knows, he sees, his eyes fill with tears and he nods once, moving as if to run his hands down Gale's face. He snatches his hand back, as if it burns and holds onto the door, like he's steadying himself._

_"I have to. For both of us." He's out of the door before Gale can even think. _

Gale can still remember the interview like it was yesterday. Can still remember the way the lie tasted in his mouth, how he wished he was saying something else.

He knew it was coming, he had been prepped for it. But it still took him a few seconds to gather his thoughts. Because it should have been him and Randy's moment. It should have been the moment when he turned and said "I'm in love with Randy Harrison." Told the whole world, and then maybe Randy would have believed him.

But Randy wasn't there. And Gale could still see Randy's retreating form, the way his shoulders hunched in a way that made Gale want to pull him close and kiss every last hint of tension from Randy's body, till he was boneless and willing under him.

"I'm straight."

The words came by themselves. He couldn't stop them. He wondered if it really was a lie if there had never been any other man except Randy. It was just Randy. It had only ever been Randy.

He threw up after the interview. Bile rising in his throat as the crew congratulated him on fielding the question appropriately. He lied, opened his mouth and spun a lie, became the person that Randy always knew he would be. The one that lied to protect himself. Another lie to add to the list he tells himself every morning, face haggard and sleep deprived in the bathroom mirror.

_I'm fine, I'm happy, I can breathe without Randy._

It didn't take long for Randy to show up. Gale had been expecting it. He turned up, anger rolling off him in waves and Gale could feel it. Could feel the way Randy tries to control it, his voice carefully clipped, holding the anger at bay as he walked through Gale's apartment like he belonged there, pausing at the kitchen door to make sure Gale was following him.

"So. How have you been?" Randy asked and Gale frowned. He wasn't expecting that, he was expecting shouting and hatred, words thrown and insult given. Not small talk.

"Rand..." He started and Randy glared, nostrils flaring slightly as his grip on the counter top tightened. "Fine, you want small talk? I've been pretty shit actually. Oh, and for the record, you really fucked me up. How's that for small talk? What you were looking for?" He asked, wrenching the fridge open and pulling out a beer.

"I was looking for the Gale that I knew, the one who told me he loved me and said he would stand up for us. Guess he's not here though." Randy snapped, spinning on his heel and heading for the door.

It wasn't like Gale hated him, but right now he was so fucking angry with him, could almost imagine putting his hands round his neck and squeezing.

"Us?" He laughed cruelly. "Jesus Christ Randy, weren't you the one who never believed in us? You walked out remember? And _now_ you want me to stand up for us? Unbelievable."

Randy narrowed his eyes at him, stalking back into the kitchen.

"After everything, after...what you said to me. To _me _Gale, you still couldn't admit it." Gale narrowed his eyes back, his grip on the beer tightening. He heard rather than felt the bottle crack in his hands, glass biting into his skin, and Randy was at his side in an instant, thrusting his hand under the faucet.

"Fucking idiot." He muttered as blood and water mingled in the sink. Gale let himself feel Randy's hands on him, the touch of Randy's fingers as they probed the cut, pressing lightly, checking for glass before he pulled his hand away, grabbing a towel from the counter.

"What the hell did you want me to say Randy?" He asked, pressing his hands together. Randy took an abortive step forward, arms rising as if to help and Gale flinched backwards, putting the counter between them as a barrier.

"Does it hurt?" Randy asked, and there was a crackle of unsaid words between them.

"Like a bitch." He replied, running his undamaged hand through his hair. "Answer the question Randy, what did you want me to say?" Randy took a deep breath, folding his arms over his chest. The light caught the hairs on his arm, forced up a memory of Randy arching under him as the street lights flood through his bedroom window.

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe tell the truth." Randy said, harsh and cruel.

"The truth?" Gale laughed again, and it tasted bitter in his mouth, "You never fucking believed the truth, you left. You broke my heart, and _now_ you want validation?"

"I didn't break your heart Gale..." Gale's anger kicked up a notch. Randy still didn't believe him, after everything he said, all the times he said it, whispered it into Randy's skin, fingers trailing down his spine.

"Even now you don't believe me?" He interrupted, watching the way Randy's fingers tightened into fists as his sides.

"What reason have you ever given me to believe you?"

"The fact that I said it, over and over."

"Yeah you said it to _me_. In the dark, by ourselves, in secret, always in fucking secret Gale. You couldn't say it to anyone else though. Couldn't tell them that you're gay. That Gale Harold likes men."

"I don't like men. I love _you_ Randy. It's only ever been you." Randy blanched, gripping the counter top so tightly his knuckles turned white. "Even though you never loved me back, I loved you. Fuck, I _still_ love you."

"You thought I never loved you?" Randy asked, his voice suddenly quiet, like fight leaving him, draining from his body as realisation washes over his face. Gale frowned.

"You never gave me any reason to believe otherwise Randy. You walked out." He took a step forward, his hand throbbing as his heartbeat picked up. Randy always did that for him, always made his heart beat faster.

"So you think I just slept with you for the hell of it? You think I'm that kind of person?" Randy asked and Gale can hear the fight coming back into his voice. He needed this, needed the fight, the release of emotions that had been bottled up too long.

"What the hell was I meant to think Randy? You told me it was just, now let me get the words right, just a bit of fun, right?" He said, voice getting higher as he mocked Randy's tone. Randy looked like he would have thrown a punch if he had been close enough, his fist clenching again and his whole body radiated tension.

"You were meant to think that I was trying _everything_ to stop falling in love with you, because I was. And there was no way you were ever going to come out. I knew it and you proved it, didn't you Gale?" Gale took a step closer, coming almost toe to toe with him and Randy was forced to look up. He knew Randy hated that, hated feeling less than an equal to Gale. He did it on purpose now, stood close enough to touch, but still didn't touch.

"Jesus Randy you don't get it, do you? Its not...I'm not...its justi you/i. It will always only be you. How could I admit to that when I didn't have you?" Something flashed across Randy's face and his hand came up, pressing into Gale's shirt. Randy pushed weakly, but his fingers curled into the material. Randy's eyes widened, his breath spilling from his lips. "Did I ever have you Randy?" Randy's eyes slipped shut, and he breathed a shuddering breath in as he opened them, blue swimming.

"I thought..." He began, his voice cracking. "I was terrified. Fuck. I was so scared that you didn't mean it."

"How many more times do you want me to say it Randy? I love you." He kissed him then, hard and fast, pressing himself up against Randy and Randy responded immediately, arching upwards and groaning low in his throat. "I love you." Gale said again, mouthing the words into Randy's neck, right over his pulse. He said it again into Randy's ear, teeth gently biting. "I love you." Said it again as Randy wound his fingers into his hair and pulled him up, stared at him with blue eyes.

"I've been a fool." He said and Gale smiled sadly, twisting his fingers into Randy's hair. Randy closed his eyes, arching into the touch. "I'm sorry. Christ Gale I'm so sorry." He said, his voice breaking as he pulled Gale back, whispered against his lips once more, closing the minute gap and kissing him. His hands found Gale's jeans and flicked the button open, thumbs dipping below the material. Gale arched his hips, pushing them forward as Randy slipped to his knees in one elegant movement that left Gale's breath caught in his throat.

Randy looked up at him, blue eyes wide with apologies and regrets and _christ_ love. And Gale ran a hand down his face, fingers trailing over his jaw as Randy pressed a kiss to Gale's hip, teeth worrying the skin slightly.

The feel of Randy's hot mouth swallowing his cock was something that never left Gale, the way Randy would hum, fingers pressing into his hips, and the way he would swallow, cheeks hollowing as he sucks once, hard. And everything came flooding back, the good times, the feel of Randy under him, the wasted time and the arguments, the hurt they caused each other, and he choked back a sob as he came, thrusting his cock into Randy's mouth as he shudders. Randy stood, kissed Gale, pushing the taste of him into his own mouth, pressing forward, whispering _sorry_ again.

"I'll tell everyone." Gale said and Randy pulled back enough to look at him, to cock his head to the side and search Gale's face for the lie. "I'll make it right Randy, this time. I promise. You just...you have to believe me." Randy smiled, cupped his face and swiped his thumbs over Gale's cheekbones.

"I believe you."

Gale called Peter, Scott and Hal first, watched as Randy laughed at Peter's "I knew it," Scott's "good for you, now fuck off", and Hal's "fuck, I owe Peter $100", kissed Gale hard and made Gale fuck him on the kitchen counter.

Next came Gale's family, which wasn't as bad as Gale thought, Randy smiled, won them over with his charm and Gale felt a weight lifting off his chest as Randy clutched at his hand and made a quiet comment about having sex in Gale's old room.

The rest of the world was last. And Gale felt sick, Randy's hand in his as the cameras turned on. Randy squeezed once, let go and let Gale do the talking. He grinned when Randy whispered "I love you" to him, squeezing his thigh under the table and Gale answered truthfully when David Letterman asked him what Randy said. Randy squeezed harder, smiled his proud smile at Gale as David went silent for a second. Gale answered every question truthfully that night, Randy's hand a welcome presence on his thigh, offering support and love.

Randy kissed him afterwards, whispered "I love you" into his mouth.

For the first time in months Gale felt like he could breathe properly.


End file.
